results are in..,

I was pretty anxious awaiting the 'results' of the votes for yesterday's Mamavation Campaign. I have to admit I REALLY thought I had done some 'leg work' in getting votes...,I talked about how I had been trying to lose weight & how I was finally ready to REALLY take it off. But I didn't truly have an inspirational story like some of  living thru heart aches and battles with parents, or always being the 'fat kid'. My story, like me, has been 'hidden' deep inside with the pain and hurt of constantly being judged for my 'size'; When I was in Jr High and High School I played sports; I played basketball, softball, even did track. I practiced outside my house after school, I ran the bike trail d rippling my basketball, I rode 16 miles on my bike with my Dad to my Aunt's house up hills and old country roads.., But I was always 'bigger' then the rest. I was somewhat in the "in" crowd, but not quite cute or petite enough to ever really fit in. Everyone around me was a size 2 or 4 and I was a 9/10. I had a constant battle against food - I would not eat or only eat what my Mom made me at dinner then gorge on sweets while I did my homework in my room .., I NEVER ate in front of my friends - everyone watches the 'big' girl eat, and then they say "that's why she's big", so I didn't. I refused to go out to eat with my family ,and begged them to bring dinner home - when I started high school my parent's decided that the high school was too big and I would get 'lost' in the crowd, so they decided to home school me. Back in 1996 when this happened they didn't allow kids that were home schooled to join the sports teams, they didn't have support groups to hang out .., so I became an invert. I was never big on 'working out' I always just 'practiced' .., so I wasn't getting exercise, I started to gain weight and feel more insecure..,I finished my schooling months early in 1998 so I could get a full-time job, and then I got some of my confidence back, I dated (and I use that term loosely), because I was being accepted by all these guys - don't get me wrong, I was HOT then, lol, but deep inside I was still the  'big' girl, and any time a guy showed me attention I sucked it in like nothing else mattered.., I eventually started partying and that lead to horrible drink binges and really BAD decisions - long story short I ended up pregnant with my daughter. Honestly she was my LIFE SAVER since I was on a road that lead only to destruction.., however, physically I wasn't on a good road. I ate whatever I wanted when I wanted and gained 60 lbs.., which I NEVER truly lost. My weight has fluctuated since then and I have never been able to get a hold on it. I have always allowed the stress of life around me to control my eating and exercise habits, and now that I am married to a wonderful man, and I am DONE having children, I had decided to apply to be a MM.  Anyway (now that I've gotten off course),
When I read the 3 new Mamavation Mom's, I have to admit my heart sank. No matter how good someone tells you that you are doing, it stings a little when you put yourself out there and don't 'win'. I felt a little.. OK a LOT rejected. Not that the 3 new MM's weren't deserving - but when your 2 outta 5 that doesn't get 'chosen' it hurts.. I am not the type of person to openly talk about how uncomfortable I am with my body (see paragraph above). I don't give off that feeling to anyone, if anything a lot of people think I am very confident; I PRETEND well. So when I asked over 200 of my Facebook friends (old school & church friends, teachers, friends parents, new friends, in-laws,  co-workers), to VOTE for me to join a WEIGHT LOSS boot camp it did hurt my pride. A LOT. In fact instead of posting it to my wall for ALL to see, I sent to people I thought would be more understanding.., that wouldn't laugh or think 'poor big girl'. But even at that to go to my email today and people asking me the results my pride is definitely a bit bruised.
I allowed my own pity party on for a minute, (in which I wanted to pig out on bad food, but instead opted for a wheat bread pb & sugar free jelly sandwich), and now have decided that I can PROVE that I am just as deserving as any other and that I won't allow not being 'chosen' ruin what I have been working at the past few weeks. I have done things I NEVER thought I could do (like give up pop! - or lose freakin' 12 lbs in 2 wks!) and I WILL show EVERYone that I can do it on my own. It's just like everything else in life I have to keep my SELF accountable for my actions.
I really do appreciate everyone's support,it means a lot when someone checks in with me and tells me they are proud. It helps keep me going when I am having a rough patch ,or just feel like giving up.
My goal right now is to lose 30 lbs by May 1st - honestly hope I lose more, but I am trying to be realistic.